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Feb 2, 2010

W

Posted by Ern T. at 12:00 PM

Good morning kiddos. I just woke up for the second time today. Because I slept after the first waking up. And for the reason of making a call to New Zealand to ask them for the Summary of Deposit (which will complete the requirements of my Student Visa Application). They are 5 freaking hours ahead of us. As I'm typing right now, the clock has just striked 12pm and over there? It's 5pm, and they're already getting ready to pack their bags and leave the office, to their lovely homes, or into the arms of their lovely wives, or going back to that same room that they live alone in, back to their sad, sad life. Whatever it is.


ANYWAY, concentrate on MY life here.
I'm in the mood to blog now, cause I really need to pour out some shit from my brain. I want to talk to somebody but no one seems the right person now. So, whoever who might be reading this crap from me, let me tell you the dream I just had from the second sleep.

It's in a classroom. Accounts class, lecturer was the same as in my college days. I remember four ppl being there clearly. Myself, L, H and of course W.
The scene is familiar.
L sits with H, W and I sit together.
W is feeling jealous that he doesn't get to sit with L.
While, L and H look happily sitting together.
And myself? Same thing.
Same knowing of what is going on, same hurt, same scars.
Suddenly the scene changes.
W sits on the same chair with me, not side by side, but behind.
He hugged me, his arms around me. As if to say, he wants to forget about what we said last time, our arguments, the hurt he inflicted but never felt sorry.
To just be with me, for me, here and now.
I cried. All that I suffered for, All that I ever waited and hoped for. The light that seemed impossible then, is here finally.
I took his hands that were around me, and kissed it ever so gently. My eyes closed. In front of all of my classmates.
But then, I don't know why, he suddenly changes his mind, and left me, all alone.
When all hopes seem so high, it came crashing down, just one second later.

I don't know why I dreamt this. Because these days, I was doing pretty fine and made the decision not to get involved with him anymore. Because it's too cruel. And I should love myself more than the man who lied and never took the effort to care for me.

The part where he sat behind me and wrapped his arms around me, was real. It did happen. And alot of other things.
I'm not afraid of what people know. Or what they think of me.
Because I know that I never loved someone as much as I have loved him. And whatever I did, it was from the purest feelings that came from me.
No selfishness, no holding back. I gave all of my heart.

And he let it drown.
With my own tears.









 

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