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4 years ago
May 26, 2010
I have approximately 3 weeks before my finals for this trimester.
Time flies really fast eh? But for those of you (you know who you are), who are still dying, waiting to get into uni, time seems to be your worst enemy, because no matter how much you curse it, it will never arrive a second faster, or a second later.
Now that I feel much calmer after the week's storm, I'm starting to get back my focus on more important things, things that I SHOULD worry about i.e. exams and current consumption of food (increased portions are creeping me out even though I know I'm losing weight), instead of things I shouldn't and can't do anything about i.e. (Erm, STUFF, you know, back in M'sia).
GAWD, I think I would be the most boring person to deal with if I ever were to be absolutely honest about myself (feelings) to other people, instead of to my blogs. When someone asks me a "How are you?" question, I would say 97 times out of 100 that "I'm okay", or "Not too bad" and 90 out of the 97 times I would be lying. Does this makes things sound ridiculous?
But basically, I don't think ever anyone would tell them "I had a bad day, because... bla bla bla (the story continues varying from people to people)" We almost NEVER say things are bad (or is it just me?).
Err, I need to make myself do something better other than talking to myself.
May 24, 2010
This has always been my emo song. When I feel hopeless in situations that I don't need to describe anymore. I think you guys are over familiar with the only thing that could drag me back to the emo corner. Anyway.
Here goes.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
******************************************************************************
I love this band. They're ingenious.
PS: Don't worry, I won't be having this song as the first song in my playlist for long. I reckon it's too emo for any reader can take.
May 21, 2010
Shit. It's Effing cold right now.
Plus it's raining with 61/kmh gusts of wind.
GAWD. I hate winter (but it's only mid autumn right now) but I love snow (I think so even though I've never seen snow) (which concludes I'm weird).
But anyway, tonight's a war in the kitchen. Invited friends over for dinner.
I'm supposed to go get some groceries for dinner later but with this cold weather, it just makes me want to cook myself instead. So that I'll be warm, get it?
SHIT. I'll just freeze my ass off.
It's only a matter of sooner or later.
Ciao.
May 17, 2010
I wonder how many times I claim myself to be murdered.
HMM.
Well, I know it's been a really long time since I actually talk about what's going on in NZ rather than just unloading a bag of emo crap.
I've been extremely busy for the past 3 weeks. I had exams, and then my MGMT assignment came another round for a killing spree. Sigh.
Now that I survived this whole ordeal (handed in my assignment 9 minutes before the deadline), I feel as though I've aged alot.
The frustration of changing my article 3 times, the rush of reading through materials, stress from cramming information , the whole bag of 250grams of multi grain sour cream and chives chips which were absolutely addicting that I consumed in a couple of hours, which made me damn worried about my excessive salt intake, the feeling is as if somebody is stretching my body in all of its corners at the same time, in different directions, opposing directions.
URGHH, I hope I don't start getting wrinkles at this age.
I was so bored with myself in the midst of rushing to finish my damn assignment. Became so distracted that I start doing stupid things.
Evidence of stupidity (and a mixture of boredom and insanity):
Funny face 1
Normal, functioning face
Exaggerating my small eyes, complimented by my excessively pouty lips
The "WHAT???????????????????????????" face- Favourite picture of all. Which is now my FB display pic.
My face would like like this if i say "TOOT, TOOT, TOOT..."
The "Stun you with my beautiful face" face. Haha. As if.
*****************************************************************
I have funny ways to entertain myself.
BTW, Hau's parents came to Wellington all the way from home.
Had great food, and time together with relatives the past couple of days, and still counting.
Awesome time begins this week. ;)
Now get back to what you're supposed to do. Whatever it is.
I'm gonna start procrastinating again. And you're not allowed to imitate me.
PS: I bought a pair of heels, two dresses, and a belt to celebrate my freedom and to welcome sanity into my being again. Will definitely post some pics on it later when I start doing stupid things next time =)
May 11, 2010
I am afraid, frightened, by my capacity to feel for someone.
Indeed I am,Terrified.
May 7, 2010
Sometimes I think all I need is a little more self-confidence.
This week has been quite a hectic week for me.
Especially on Tuesday, when I spent about 2 and a half hours cooking when I invited some friends over. It was very exciting, considering that it was the first time I'm having people coming over to my apartment and them risking their appetite for the night.
Well, it turned out great. The food was good (at least it passed my own judgements) and I think everyone had a good time together.
I find that, life's so different now.
I climb out of bed early during the weekends, hike the hill up to uni even though there's no classes to use the internet. And on Sunday mornings, I go to the morning market to get a week's supply of vitamins and nutrition in the form of veggies, fruits and meat(I totally sound like a housewife right now).
This sort of "routine" goes on, day by day, week by week, and soon maybe, year by year?
I've heard of many people saying don't fall into routines. Because it becomes meaningless, doing the same thing everyday.
Well, what I think is that, I don't mind being in the routine,
As long as I know,
I'm in love with,
Every single moment of it.
This brings me the meaning of life everyday, and gives me the energy to do it again, and again.
I don't find it tiring to repeat myself unless I no longer have the passion for something.
Just like my love, why I still love people who have hurt me repeatedly, and after everything, I find myself repeating my love for them. My passion for my friends, my passion to give my best to someone. To everyone and everything I care about.
But you know,
I'm no saint.
And I think it's time you know that I'm done.
Done with everything that I don't deserve.
The cloth is like our friendship.
It gets older through the test of time.
And I'm done with covering up, sewing up the ugly patches on the cloth all alone, that was once velvet smooth, but now infested with holes as if the moths have eaten their way through faster than my hands could work its miracle through, to save this piece of fabric.
It's too much to work on, whether or not it's worth saving, it's just beyond my capabilities, my limits, my imperfections.
My hands bleed from all the pricks as I pick up the needle and start sewing.
I'm no bloody seamstress.
And I'm no bloody someone you can just push around to get what you want.
It's really clear what I want. And what I want is not you any more.
So, what more can I say?
May 6, 2010
I think there is a reason why love between two people should be sacred.
Because when it's not,
It hurts like hell.
May 3, 2010
I have to say,
That without God, I can do nothing.
Well, I think most of you who reads this would think that there are so many contradictory posts to my religious views.
But truthfully, I've only been waiting, challenging what God will do in my worst circumstances, and how willing I am to respond to Him.
This week was a real hard slap in the face. Like, literally. Not the part where humiliation takes place, but more of the pain and shock of the whole impact.
Maybe I should just say I was stabbed in the heart.
Well yeah then, I was stabbed. And Reality has bitten me with its most poisonous venom, splashed me the worst burning acid that I could take.
And with these scars, evidently, that were all there, I solely believe that during Church, it was healed, like a miracle.
It doesn't mean that I'm all fine with the whole situation, but I believe I will be fine despite of the facts that brought me down, because God will give me the perfect balm that my soul so needed it.
He liberated me of my shadows and sorrows. And I believe, will bring me to a place where I can fully experience such joy and love through other people, that it can only come from Him.
To L and W.
People whom I care for a lot despite of how much sadness it brings me at times.
I'm a very different person, I want to be a very different person.
The one who goes against all odds. The one that sometimes, it's not logical to give so much.
It's not conflicting at all to have hard feelings but at the same time being nice.
There are things that I can't change and I will have to live with it.
And hopefully that day comes soon enough where I am absolutely separate from my past.
Because no matter what happens,
The main key driver of everything will always be my love.
Which is the best thing that I can ever give.
I know I have been a real pain in the ass when I start losing trust for you guys.
It's because I'm imperfect as well, and that I give myself reasons to doubt.
Many times, I know what are my feelings, but it's just that I don't know what to do about it because I can't give myself up and be selfish at the same time. In short, it's all a dilemma. I try to do what's best but sometimes the best means alot of sacrifice and it honestly hurts.
And sometimes,the things I do is not interpreted the same way, so there are a lot of misleading facts. Which makes the whole action pointless and wasted.
If it means so much that I give my blessings,
then yeah, I will.
But just remember don't take it for granted that I'm always fine with everything as if I have no feelings and there wouldn't be any consequences.
But because pure love endures through everything, which is what I believe in and so, will hold on to it.
Lastly, I hope you guys would understand the way I function when it comes down to friendships.
Peace. Out.
;;
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