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4 years ago
Jun 29, 2010
I dreamt a dream yesterday.
And I woke up, wanting to cry and say "Fuck" all over.
Labels: Dreams
Jun 22, 2010
-4.55pm-
This is a moment of, well, I don't know actually.
I've just finished my exams and the first thing I did was not to go home but stay in the library instead (how astonishing, if I may say so)
Again, a lot of things happened, good and bad. Mostly good but the bad (maybe not bad but sad) really bad.
Firstly, good things are like being able to control my emotions better, and a better relationship with God.
Bad things, are Febrina, my dear and lovely life group leader and friend, left NZ (hopefully she comes back soon), and the isolation and hurt I felt due to L and W.
I realise that it's absolutely stupid to get hurt by people (not even friends) repeatedly over and over for the same reason. But truth is, I just can't help it and it's just the way it is.
And the whole reason for leaving Malaysia is evident as ever, sadly because that's where I spent my whole life till I came here.
Which is why I hate being reminded so much how the really little things can prevent my happiness today.
All my life, my only goal was to be happy.
To have a happy life, a happy family of my own (though I'm still too young to say that), a happy relationship with people. But the past two years had only, and only pushed me to the edge, and I fell from a very, very high cliff.
I really want simple things, simple enough for anyone to understand.
When I cry, I only need an understanding and caring friend. In difficult situations, a friend who would always choose the right thing to do, even if it means sacrificing one's self.
Because I would also do the same. My word is as good as a promise.
It's really hard to find a BFF.
Maybe that's why Paris Hilton is making money out of her "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" show on MTV (I still think it's a stupid show btw).
The days, holidays, two weeks of freedom, but what lays ahead?
I figure I have lots of novels to read (don't discriminate the way I spend my time, in fact, I am very happy READING). Other than that, I think the boys are planning a skiing trip. Need to ask Daddy to fund me though.
The triangle of money, friendship and love. It's such a cliché.
Sometimes when I find myself get caught up in this spider web, I just want to rebel. REBEL AS HARD AS I CAN.
Which explains the need for a punching bag (I've said this many times before, sigh).
Hint, hint anyone? My birthday's 26th of December, plenty of time to save up for my Christmas combined birthday present.
With this sudden erupt to an end. I need a breather. Away I go, off to home, I'm hungry, I'm a bit emo.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I'm supposed to hand in my resume to work in Borders. Typical me, cross your fingers, I really want to work in a book store. =)
********************************************
Because it seems impossible for me to deny its existence that would cause me sudden pains in my chest, I choose to bury it as deep as possible. With no intentions to dig it up again.
Never to reoccur, I'll let it turn to dust and soon itself, turns to nothing.
I'll do whatever it takes, just to gain back my dearly missed days. Being happy.
The reason why I keep repeating my emo situations for the same reason is obviously because I still care for the people who are concerned. Even though I've said my good byes but it's difficult to part, because I'm just not like that.
I can't throw away feelings.
But at one point, I really hope someone will throw it away for me, because I just can't do it. But, because I am forced to, and am forcing myself. I need help. I hope it comes soon.
Labels: Averages
Jun 19, 2010
I need some distraction.
But I'm having an exam in 4 hours.
And I've not finished studying.
Labels: Averages
Jun 17, 2010
I'm still in my exam period. But seriously am not in the mood to study.
Today, I was thinking if I were to be interviewed for a scholarship to go to the top universities in UK, how was I going to sell myself. I am never good in advertising my abilities, and I always shy away when I get a compliment.
Questions I came up:
1# Why do you think you deserve this scholarship more than any other people?
Firstly, I would say my whole life is an improvement. Back when I was a primary school student, I was only but an average student with her very average results. I scored 3As and 4Bs, which was why I ended up in a very, probably even below average secondary school. I wanted to be in a school named St.Davids High School, but was rejected. All the very promising students flock there. As an evidence, one of them is now in Harvard.
So you see, since I was young, I have always wanted to be in a place of competition, amongst people with extravagant talent. In my PMR, my results were 7A's and 1C, C for my Chinese, which I never really liked the subject much. I was proud of myself but I know that I still lacked the feeling of achievement. I was competing with people who are only of my own level or below. For SPM, I got 6A1's, 4A2's, 2B3's. This is the best result of the whole school for the year. Even independently I see this as an ongoing improvement, I still was not satisfied.
Then I came to Taylors University College, where students, the great and the not so great came together in this prestigious education institution. The very same girl who went to Harvard from the same home town as me, was also in Taylors.
At first, I was struggling, because A levels ain't just a piece of cake like in SPM. And I have friends whom I admit are far more talented than I am. I was getting out of breath every time I try to run along side with them. But I pressed on, even though there were many stumbles, I still put my whole heart in my studies. No matter what distractions I came across, I still tried to deliver my very best. For AS, I scored an AAB. My friends got straight As, disheartened, I still pressed on. For my A2 trials, I failed for one of the toughest subject I ever encountered, Sociology. My peers know only how much knowledge, how much hard work I've put into this subject, and could not believe I could fail it during the trials. I didn't do very well for my other two subjects either. I was freaking out. Exams are only less than a month away.
The worst had to come, right before the actual exam, two of my bestest friends, who are the smartest people I know, who are my study partners, pulled out of the exam just a few days before my first A2 paper, Sociology. The reasons for this shocking decision were fear of not getting good grades due to lack of preparation and a lack of confidence.I spent a lot of time when there's no time left crying, and feeling afraid. My confidence was shaken as well, and had asked my dad whether I could pull out or not, but he made it firm that I must go through with what I had set my heart on, which is to finish my A levels.
Long story short, I did all my exams, a few months later when the results were released, it all came as a shock to me how well I did. I can only thank God how much He has supported me through. Despite of the many barriers that prevented me to perform my very best, I obtained a very respectable result of AAB, B for Sociology. My own Sociology lecturer was very shocked by my result, first because I only had a B during my AS, secondly, I had failed during the trials and being able to maintain a B in A2 is just, miraculous.
Now, why do I deserve the scholarship? Because what made me achieve what I have already achieved, did not solely depend on my natural talents. My friends had more talents than I am, but in the end, only I had survived the stress, the expectation and the absolute hardships all students have to face, which is fear.
I believe that my sense of maturity and responsibility was what carried me through. And of course by the grace of God. As stated previously, my whole life is an improvement, as I grow older, I become more mature, and since young I was taught to be the responsible one out of the 4 kids even though I was a third child. I take my duties seriously, even in my high school, I was the assistant head prefect, and I must say that even though the prefects that were in my school lacked attitude, and no one really sees themselves as a prefect. I, on the other hand, had seen being a prefect is more than just a name to it, but also a place of position, power, influence and control, of which was placed heavily upon me, as my actions were constantly being monitored by my peers and teachers. I was not the best student in school, meaning I'm no miss "goody two shoes". But I dare say that I was the most outstanding person, always present to fight for justice, and always believing in the right thing to do.
I am a fighter, a passionate person, and am responsible and mature. As I grow, I feel all the more responsible towards my studies, towards my parent's expectations on how much they believe in me, and to myself. I want to fight for a chance to break out of constricting circumstances, money is the issue now. I'm not afraid to say or face it. That's why I would really want to spread my wings to the fullest. As I had not during my A levels. I want to see how far I can go, because I know that if given the chance, I can do better than this. The greatest lesson to learn is to challenge yourself, not with other people. I've known only too well that independence is a very hard lesson to learn. So, it is a goal for me to be a person who would be able to self motivate when everything around me seems all wrong, when there's no pillar to hold on to any more.
This is the greatest challenge I want to face, instead of avoiding it as many others may have chosen because it's the easier way out, I wish to come out of it victoriously.
So that is why, I wish to be in a place where great opportunities lie ahead. So that I will learn to be fearless, realising my own capabilities, and look forward to further enhance my strong points.
Often, I would think that if I were instead a St. Davids high school student, would I be an even better person than I am today? The opportunities are definitely there, but what kind of person would St. Davids mould me into? Rather than my own high school.
Rejection has turned out for the worst and best for me.
And now, I feel that it's the right time, and my turn, to shine.
All I need, is a chance to realise that dream.
***************************************************************
I was thinking of coming up a second question but I realise that this post is already so long.
I was thinking of coming up a second question but I realise that this post is already so long.
So lol, do you think I'm still a person who's no good in selling herself?
PS: this demonstrates how much I'm so not in the mood to study, being in Victoria made me question what the hell am I doing here, and not some place better. But you know what? My life's not an end yet. And I would never have met and have experiences with so many wonderful people if I weren't in Wellington. Glory to God, I believe in His plans to bring me forward, wherever He wants me to go.
So, I should get back to studying soon =)
Labels: Averages
Jun 13, 2010
I feel so sorry for my blog because I've been neglecting it for so long when it needed much attention from me.
Sigh.
Exam starts in two days! And I stil have not done much preparation.
My attitude towards studying is getting to a point where I start worrying for myself.
PS: For the past two weeks, I bought in total of 6 new novels. And they're MASSIVE. Oh boy, I should really be reading my text books instead. =(
Labels: Averages
Jun 4, 2010
The title should be familiar to everyone of you guys who had a childhood influenced with a lot of Disney movies. This is from Annie, one of my all time favourites.
Last week was one of the worst weeks so far in NZ, it rained EVERYDAY. Gosh, it really becomes so depressing when it's all dark and gloomy. Not to mention wet and slimy, Urghh.
But this week, the weather was tamed, howling winds locked up somewhere, no one getting blown over.
YAY, it was and still is a beautiful week~!
And to add on to my excitement, study break starts now (which also has a downside to it cause this means exams are just around the corner). Meaning I can sleep late and stay in bed as long as I think it's still appropriate to laze around.
I'm gonna do some roller skating tomorrow.
This is really awesome =)
A lot of crashing and falling to do (as part of learning to skate for the first time).
Cross my fingers, I don't want to have too many bruises.
CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIICE, say it like how the kiwi's does it.
From "ANNIE", Tomorrow
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!
Labels: Averages
Jun 3, 2010
I may have acquired some weird taste in music.
Yay. lol
Guess I won't be replaying Fix You when I'm studying now.
Labels: Averages
Jun 1, 2010
I just had a few minutes with W.
Well, mostly it's about reasoning and arguing about why I broke off with L.
I repeated to W things that I wished someone would have told me when I was confused last year.
I concluded that no matter how much I love someone, the right way is always the best way.
The right thing should trump over my heart's desire.
Because what I desired, was what that was killing me softly, and I was willing to be in that place for a long time.
It went on for so long, because all matters was how much I love him, and how much I know I'm willing to sacrifice for him, always waiting for the end of the tunnel, where the light of hope would come eventually, as I believed.
But you know, not all tunnels have an opening on the other side.
And sooner or later, disappointed, you'll find a dead end instead.
So, the quicker you turn back, the faster you'll get back into the light of day.
I hope that I won't go back to the same dead end tunnel, getting disappointed all over.
Because unless God equipped me with a golden hammer to break through that darned, hard and cold brick-layered wall, I would never ever go to the other side of the the tunnel, no matter how much I claw my way through desperately in despair, finally giving up when all my energy is wasted. And a pool of tears gathers at my feet from all the crying I will do.
I told W, that I don't want to live in his shadow, and I don't want to see him living in L's shadow. But he doesn't see it that he is that.
Maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm right. Time will tell, hopefully everything will be alright.
And for me, I want to look for new opportunities, most importantly, open up myself to it.
I learnt that, sometimes, it's hard to make a choice out of the love you have for yourself, than for other people. Because your heart's desire, or your reason for loving someone else may not be the best thing for your own good, and may even lead you to destruction.
God commanded us, love thy neighbour as yourselves.
And I also believe that out of loving my neighbours, I have to learn to love myself first. And from there, true love will come out of me for other people.
Now, I can really say that I'm glad to leave behind a lot of things.
Stupid past, Bon voyage.
Labels: Mood swings
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